assumptions and apologies
Firstly, this post is nothing to do with dressmaking, quilting or crochet – so if you’re interested in any of those subjects, it’s time to move on! Instead, this is a post that I’ve written a thousand times in my head and have never got it quite right. But it’s time to post it anyway.
One way we make sense of the world is by categorising things. Putting like with like, according to their similarities and differences. There are many reasons why this is a good thing. Grouping things together means that they can be sorted, arranged, and particular attributes can be assigned to them. For example, if your fabric and sewing stash is organised according to the types of fabrics, or by colour, and your notions are organised with the interfacings together, zips together, threads together, buttons together etc etc, you can always find what you need. We tend to sort things into groups depending on our prior experiences with them and where they fit in. There are millions of examples in the world of how we categorise and classify – think of libraries, department stores, any shops, your own pantry.
Classification and categorisation works particularly well for objects and even for ideas – think biology, geology, literature. But it isn’t always a good thing when applied to people. Because then assumptions are made about particular groups – and we all know that when we assume, we make an “ass out of u and me”. Which leads to prejudice, discrimination, and worse. And in more benign forms we rob ourselves of the opportunity to see the individual circumstances, strengths and characteristics of others.
I’m 42 years old. When I was in my teens in the eighties, one of the worst things that could happen to you was to have a child out of wedlock or in your teens or early twenties. The people I mixed with all wanted to go to university and “make something of their life” and having a child young was a definite no-no. And none of us did. Most of us went to college or university. We worked in professional careers, travelled, and I didn’t personally know anyone who had their children in their teens or even in their early twenties. Actually, most of my friends didn’t have children until in their mid to late thirties, or early forties (as often through circumstance as through choice, and some who wanted children have missed the boat completely).
You’re probably making all sorts of assumptions about me and my friends as you read this. Well, I made plenty of assumptions about women who did have children very young (which I considered to be under about 22 years old but particularly in their teens). And they weren’t all that flattering or kind.
In the past five years or so since I have been blogging and crafting I have met and got to know many women who were young mothers and who have completely blown my early-motherhood assumptions out the window. And I want to say SORRY. Unreservedly. I am so sorry. For thinking that I knew what “sort of person” you were when I really had absolutely no idea. For being rude, unkind, unsupportive and prejudiced. I am sorry.
For people are individuals. There are characteristics that groups of people have in common, but there are SO many differences between the members of each group as well. Thank you to all these women that have reminded me so clearly of the importance of looking at the person in their own right before I make judgements about who they are and where they fit. Thank you for opening my eyes. You do an amazing job and I am so thankful that I have met you.
Very thoughtful Lara. Nice post. I like to try and think ‘I don’t know the whole story’ when my judgemental bit raises it ugly head!
What a lovely post Lara.
I was married at 23 (straight out of Uni – where I met Luke who was 21 when we married) and had my first child at 26. Not amazingly young, but I was by far the youngest mother in my mothers’ group.
My youngest is off to school in a few days, and I am still only 36, and have plenty of time to build a new career from the ground up.
Basically I have lived the average life of my parent’s generation, and it has worked so well for Luke and I. One day we will travel the world together, but I never feel that I missed out. I just feel very lucky to have met such an amazing man, at an early age.
Aw Lara! You KNOW that I had my first child at 18 and my last at 30! I must say that even though having a baby so very early changed my path considerably, I would not change a thing! I think that, for some of us, growing up early and focussing on family really gives us a head start in life. I did not really do any of that party-girl shenanigans… well… maybe a teensy bit… but rather I worked really hard to build a happy, secure life for my kidlets.
Suffice to say that the baby I had at 18 is now a really fantastic grown up girl (who does not want to have babies at all!) I think that we worked it out together along the way, and we have a really lovely relationship… maybe in part due to the fact that I am often more immature than she is!
Lovely words, Lara.
xx pip
Oh Lara, we discussed this once at Sewjourn and I was one of those who had their first child at 21, as soon as I finished Uni. It was never our plan and we shocked a lot of people. I still have a lot of people surprised when they see Matt and I with a 17 year old. Well, as you know, Matt and I are still happily married, with a good jobs, with three more kids and so proud of the way Ayden has grown up. There are a wide range of circumstances when people have their children younger, rather than a stereo type. Good for you Lara for putting it out there.
I’ve been lurking on your blog for a little while (your sewing & crocheting skills are amazing BTW!) and haven’t posted. I was a teenage parent, having had my oldest at 17, and your post really touched my heart. Thank you 🙂
Lara Thornberry – You are an amazing woman and I am dead-set so glad to be one of your friends.
I, too am one who had children young – 20 for my first 2, 21 for my baby. And it was our choice to do so young. The kids went everywhere with us. Travel was a high priority of ours, and our children got to experience lots of Australia and overseas.
Uni was not an option for me due to the high costs involved and no family support.
But I would not change anything. All my kids are Uni grads and although approaching 30, no children in sight. Another totally different gen, but unlike their friends 🙂
A great post Lara. My sisters were both young mums, while I the first of my family to ever go to Uni didn’t have my first baby until I was 30. My sisters are now enjoying empty nests while I’m still changing nappies and breastfeeding. They are now looking at me like I’m insane lol Why do you want to have babies at your AGE?, they ask. Both now have tertiary qualifications, they did their study the hard way, to my mind, with a family to care for.
Good on you for putting it out there Lara. I’ve found as I get older that I don’t judge and put people into boxes like I used to. Mostly from being wrong so many times and most definitely by having me be the ass…
I’ve learned that every one has a story, a life… and is so much more, than what you or I see from the outside.
Yay for getting older and wiser and for meeting many amazing people along the way.
Jay xx
Loved this post Lara. I’m quite frustrated that our generation were led to believe that we should put off having a family, and put university and career first. I’ve missed out on having a family for that very reason. No-one ever warned me that I should have family between 21 and 25 or miss out completely.
I just hope that future generations are educated about their fertility, and don’t have to deal with the prejudices of deciding to have a family in their younger years.
Dear Lara,
I have read your blog for a few years now, and never left a comment until now. I had the first of my 6 children at 17 after my mother kicked me out of home. I am grateful each and everyday for my kids, the eldest now 21 and the youngest 6yo twins. I have a degree, have almost finished my MBA, my hubby has his PhD. we recieve no government support what so ever as we earn waaaayy over their thresholds. More than happy about this by the way 🙂
Oh and I earn a lot more than hubby and am a lot more senior than him ~ we work in the same industry. Not every young mother is doomed to centerlink payments and poverty.
Would I change anything? No, not one day, it has made me the strong woman I am today
Anyway, I just wanted to say thankyou for your post, and I love your blog 🙂
Hugs
Renee
After a particularly difficult day, wondering how this world will ever be able to heal, you reminded me of the connection we all have with one another. How a simple connection can melt away the difficulties and disappointments we all have and renew the light and beauty of life.
Thornberry, thank you!
I don’t know if this is related to the recent announcements by two of our fellow bloggers that they are going to be nurses when they grow up (I wouldn’t want to assume!!) but being in the same situation as you – old with young kids (tongue firmly in cheek at the ‘old’)……I am so inspired by what they are doing….I wish I knew what I was going to do when I grow up; other than change more nappies.
Great post.
xxxx
What a great post. I love that you stepped up to the plate, admitted your own assumptions in public and shared where you were wrong. Inspiring to others.
Lara I have been reading you since long time ago. I comment almost never.
This is one of the best posts I have ever read.
By the way, I am 36 going for 37 and still no children onsight. But I agree with you in almost every way.
xxx
couldn’t have put it better myself!!
Great post Lara – it takes a lot of strength and wisdom to apologise – especially in public and without reservation. I am impressed!
Whether teenage pregnancy or skin colour is at issue – making assumptions and classification is instinctual and reasonable. In the first instance. What separates us from the animals (and less civilised humans) is our capacity to move beyond our initial impressions as more information becomes available, and to have enough wisdom not to act out of those initial impressions. Seeking to understand more, to test my assumptions and expand my experiences (which often means moving out of my comfort zone) is something I actively try and do so that pool of prior experience from which those assumptions spring gets bigger and my assumptions less strong. But it requires vigilance not to feel like today’s conclusions are tomorrow’s knowledge. Thanks for the reminder to keep myself open to being surprised.
Well said, Ms Thornberry. I know this has been on your mind for a long time and it’s great that you got it out there.
As another old (and tired) mother of a young ‘un, I wish we hadn’t been brainwashed into leaving things so late. Oh, to have a kid who was old enough to look after herself sometimes…. (and look after me a little bit too….?).
What a touching post. I had my first child at 22, after being married for 3 years. When she went to grade school, I found myself about 10 years younger than all of her friends parents. I felt looked down upon, by them, at the time. After divorce and remarriage, I had 2 more children. This time, feelings about when to have kids, seemed to have changed. I was now about 10 years older than all the other parents. Weird, I guess I’m out of step. All told, I wouldn’t change a thing. Thanks.
Horses for courses isn’t it.
I was young(ish) at 24 and have been very happy with my choices but I confess I sometimes wonder what might have been if we’d waited…travelled…been a couple longer.
Plenty of time for that I guess & I love that we’ve all grown up together.
x
I came back to read the other comments. What a delightful audience you have Lara. I was reminded of when I was in school and we had career counseling. I was asked what I wanted to do when I finished school. I remember thinking I want to be a mum. I never said it, I knew bright young girls like me were expected to have careers and being a mum would not be an approved goal in life.
So beautiful and touching Lara. I fall into your category of children later in life, yet my parents married and had my brother and I before Mum had turned 21. I often feel compelled to justify Mum’s position, as if it somehow implied she had made mistakes. Last year when I turned 40 I remembered that in the year Mum turned 40 I turned 21. My eldest child turned 7, and I’ll be forever grateful that she did start young and we had around 15 ‘adult’ years together and nearly one year with her as a grandmother before she died – her anniversary was the day you posted this. Thanks for reminding me that her decisions were good ones!
Lx
Everyone has a right to be on this earth and is interesting in their own right and
education does not make them who their truly are.
I am in the same boat as Kirst I think. Also, people often thought I looked a bit younger than I was & on a number of occasions I found myself on the wrong end of assumptions, in fact just last year one of the mum’s at school admitted that she thought I was the kids nanny!
I would have to admit that even as a young mum myself (youngest in my Mothers group by about 5 years) I have still made judgments about young mothers, & maybe even older mothers too. Your post is such a great reminder that we should all be open minded & also mindful that choices different from our own are not wrong or bad.
Great post Lara x