Those old feelings
Something I didn’t anticipate when Clare started school last year was to often feel like I was back at school myself. Particularly on a social level. I was very unhappy socially at primary school – the youngest in my grade, a good reader, not at all sporty, limited understanding of how to relate to other kids my own age. You get the picture. So whenever Clare doesn’t receive an invitation to a party that some of her friends are invited to, all my old feelings come rushing back. Luckily, Clare doesn’t seem too bothered about it, so I am trying hard to keep my issues to myself and not let them flow onto my daughter. But sometimes it is hard.
Clare is at a very small school, and I mix with a group of school mums who are all friendly and chatty and I organise dinner out for us all once each month. There have been a few things happen over the past year that have made me feel a bit on the outer and as though I have overestimated the depth of some of my friendships – and the friendship groups of my daughter. Today after school one of the mums was busy handing out photos taken at her daughter’s birthday party to the other mums whose children attended – which didn’t include Clare.
How can I toughen up? It hurts each time something like that happens. I really do wish that the other mums would be a bit more sensitive and a little less obvious when they have excluded others. And I hope like hell that I don’t inadvertently do the same thing to others. I struggle with keeping my old insecurities under control and under wraps. For years I had thought I had gotten past those old feelings. After all, I’m a grown up now – over 40 with much more life experience, and I thought that I was quite secure with my group of wonderful friends and family. But primary school has seen me revert to my 7 year old self.
Thankfully Clare is quite self-assured and happy with her group of friends. She really doesn’t seem to be concerned about her friendship group and what parties and after-school playdates she does or doesn’t get invited to. I know I should just get over it. Thanks for letting me debrief a little.
Hi Lara,
Hang in there, you are doing great. Things like that are bound to happen regardless of age. The most important thing is Clare is happy and could care less, she is well equipped to handle such social situation. Keep having the positive attitude and you’ll be armed to handle such inevitable circumstances.
Very, very hard stuff. Good thing there are bloggers out there 🙂 and lucky Clare to have you as her mum x
Hi Lara, I have to admit that I am really not looking forward to when Maddie starts school for the exact reasons as you have talked about in your post.
It sounds like your ‘business as usual’ approach is probably the best way to go, if anything…maybe distance yourself from the other Mums…especially if they have been nasty etc. I cant stand all the clique bulls**t that goes on.
I just had to take Maddie out of one dance school because Mum’s complained that she was too boisterous…ahh she is 3!
Keep your chin up x
If I had a child and that was happening to me, I would feel exactly as you do! I avoid logging into sites like facebook as I get all insecure if I’ve been left out of something. It does hurt and it is hard to just ‘toughen up’. From my perspective I always think of you as a very ‘popular’ person based on all your blog followers and nice things people say about you on their blogs. Don’t let a few school people get you down 🙂
HI Lara,
1. It is great that she is self assured – brilliant. rather than all inclusiveness (because that is not going to happen) resilience is important- how do you teach/ model that???
I have the same reaction as you- don’t people get discretion and young feelings. My daughter has been left out of a few things- the first one was in kinder and she kept asking why she didn’t get to go. I told her that you can only have a limited amount of children to a birthday party and that meant that not everyone could go…???but hard, and I feel like I am feeling my way in the dark. My son on the other hand doesn’t seem to notice so much. Sigh, good luck. Oh- I am commented on your next post too, rather than previous- I like number 12!
Lara I think the other mums are being very inconsiderate in the way that they behave and I have to say I often worry about the same thing when my girls start school or kinder as the case is for next year.
It’s hard because there will always be a time when our kids are not included and I think it’s impossible to remain completely impartial to such a situation – it still does hurt your feelings, regardless of whether you intend for it not to.
I guess the key is to take your lead from Clare and given that she is OK with the way things are help her to stay in that positive frame-of-mind with her friends and support her.
Chin up – we all think you are lovely!
Hi, I’ve typed and deleted a few comments, what I’m trying to say is, I feel like that too. It is hard. To me, you are one of the cool kids (one of the really nice ones that everyone liked!) Chin up, don’t forget to breathe, and when it gets too much, go online!
Hello Lara,
I’ve never commented before, but I thoroughly enjoy your blog and love to see the creations for your girls! It inspires me to get a few things made for my girls – 4 & 2. I empathise with your situation, I’m heading there fast myself. In a very small country town I am the homemade mum. Been a chef, sew a bit, I’m a diy-er, little older than the rest and so an outsider…. I also echo your school experiences! I have been thinking allot about how would I approach it differently with my kids, how will I reassure them? How will I make sure I’m not confusing their experiences with mine? I’ve already started preschool committee stuff and I continually coach myself by telling myself “Its not all about me”, all those other mothers have issues & reasons for their behaviour, their inconsideration’s. And I want to be an example for my kids, to not take things personally. I hope I can also have daughters that aren’t as concerned with being excluded!! This year I’m going to have to be strong, bub 3 is due in 8 weeks and I know that sleep deprivation is going to make it just a bit harder!!!
The truth is its a bit of luck (or not) who they go to school with and they may not be the best or enduring friends.
Keep on getting security from your family & friends and the blog friends that love you!!
al xo
I’m sorry you have some rather selfish people to deal with. I think most of us have had to deal with things like this from time to time. Mine happen to be with neighborhood kids/moms. It is so hard when all the girls play together, but then only some get invited to the parties. I’ve also had times where some women have been fairly offended that I invited other women to my house for a get together that they weren’t good friends with. go figure.
I think you’ve got a great attitude about it all, and it’s ok to remember those feelings of insecurity, then shrug them right off. And keep being the one who includes everyone. It’s the only way to fight the cliques and is such a great example for your girls.
I too, don’t have fond memories of my elementary school years. And yes, it totally affects how I feel about my childrens’ social lives. Thankfully my children are doing fine (so far.) I think you are wise if you don’t let Clare know about those feelings. I think our children do need to live there own lives and figure some things out themselves. (That does not condone outright meanness from anyone though. Then I would be stepping in.)
eee, I totally get how you feel. I went to a very small school, 17 kids in my class and ten of those girls. K-12. There were two girls who had birthdays on the same day and so often had birthday parties on the same day. I was not on the top of the list for either of them and one year I was invited to neither of those parties. Me and one other girl were both at home feeling miserable as all get-out. But then I guess at one of the parties they were talking about who was where and they realized that there were two girls who had been completely left out, felt terrible, and called us both up to invite us last-minute.
It’s highly possible that it was an oversight, or for example the girl was told she could have ‘x’ amount of friends over and she had to choose. One year I had a party where I was only allowed to choose three people because we were going on a special outing. I’m sure some people (or thier parents) felt like others were left out but sometimes there are reasons?
But I was often one of the left-out people so it took years of borderline paranoia to have the revelation that a lot of the time there is no intent to hurt others. I won’t say never, though. One year a nasty girl in my sister’s class tried to get the girls at her party to all run away when my sister showed up. And her dad was totally aware of the plan and didn’t say anything – he thought it was FUNNY! So wrong. Fortunatly enough of the girls who were there had a sense of common decency that it didn’t happen.
Oh lara,
Isn’t it awful how our own insecurities can get so freshly opened by our childrens lives. I have no advice except that one day she will find her best friend, all those little kid friendship fluctuate so much and it is so great that she seems unperturbed by it all.
Sending you some good hugs
jod
I don’t have any good advice but I can relate to those feelings of being on the outside looking in. That’s why I love our blogging community. It’s somehow more inclusive than other parts of the world.
Oh, I know how you feel Lara. My boy has an even more limited social ‘set’ than I did, and I often find myself hurting for him, but he seems fine… he’s happy the way he is, and my issues are just my own.
oh me too, me too, me too. i don’t know what else to say except that my oldest is 14 and my youngest is 5 and i still feel like you do
hugs
f
Dear Lara
No kids of my own, but oh, I recognised your school life! (I was an echo of it, just a few years behind you, I’d say).
Clare and Stella are bright and beautiful, your blog is amazing, and you bring so much sunshine into our days (I’m a fellow crocheter – just turned on my new sewing machine yesterday….scary!)
Never fear the small minded/thoughtless, and best wishes to you and yours for a lovely Christmas and New Year.
Clueless is what I’d call those mothers!
But at least Clare seems to be fine with everything and it sounds like you’re handling it all very well. I was very outgoing when I was little but high school was a different story. I didn’t fit in and I was left out of a lot of stuff. But I will say that it makes you a stronger person and maybe it’s better to learn at an early age that people aren’t always nice. It’s also made me a more compassionate person and I can’t stand cliques or snobs or petty people.
Look how successful you are, what a nice family you have, how popular your blog is… your daughter will be just fine!!
Hi Lara,
Thought I’d check out your blog to see what you are up to. Your blog is looking very professional these days. Top notch.
Stella has grown a lot, I can’t believe it. I hope I will be able to catch up with you in Melb, I am coming for two weeks just before Christmas.
Wow, what a a great forum for chatting, lots of supportive messages from people. Yes I suppose it is always possible to feel insecure about things that other people are mostly not even aware of. Never the less, you are mightily well adjusted, positive and gorgeous to boot-and your girls will be as adults to. This I know for a fact.
Love and hugs,
Mich
hugs! it happens here and can get you down and I take things very personally! I just make sure I always include everyone and don’t make other people feel that way!
hugs again
Corrie:)
Oh Lara, reading this sent me right back to primary school. I feel for you… but I don’t doubt that you are raising a confident, resilient child who will enjoy loyal friendships and won’t feel the need to be liked by everyone. Keep at it.
hi Lara I can sooo relate to this post. I felt exactly the same when my eldest daughter started school, it was as if I was at school only yesterday (in my 40s too) my daughter is 17 now! but the feelings stayed with me until my youngest started school some years later (she is nearly 11) all the same things happened again even though I had decided to be nice but keep my distance which made the clicky ones worse. It’s so horrible woman do this to each other! and even though I wasn’t looking for friendships I was still friendly but after about the first 12 months was then totally ignored by some mums! this is just total crap to me and I now avoid the school like the plague when I can. Having said that I did become good friends with 2 mums, but I still have no time for any others. By the time Isobel did start school though I knew to try not to be as sensitive about party invites etc as when my first was at school. I spent nearly her first year in tears ‘cos I took everything so hard ie if she didn’t get invited to a party. I would try and distance yourself a little and you will soon find out which are the real friendships, hope this helps!! we all love ya xx